Horner Nach Unten

Another day off spent in a tired funk. I'm not sure how much of my sleepiness is actual sleepiness, or depression.
  I'm not really depressed. I think I'm just burned out from this job, and physically overworked and stressed at not making enough money.  Also, it's been a bummer not really getting many responses from the applications I've put in all over. I think it's very strange that this time last year when I was job hunting, with a less stellar resume, I had calls from all over the place. This time, its been a trickle.Wtf Syracuse area?
  Remember that novel I was working on earlier this year that I accidentally erased? I think I might pick it up again, and do two at once. The characters are banging around in my head, and it's easier to work on when I'm in a stormy mood.
  Alright, I'm heading downstairs to cook some bacon and make coffee. We're making feta cheese stuffed burgers with bacon (shit, I just remembered I forgot to get mushrooms) for dinner and the coffee is for me. Now. So I can be a little productive.
  K

Writing Mojo Garden

This last week I did a mini experiment, and tried to see if I could stick to the same writing place and continue to be productive. I moved my laptop and writing paraphernalia to the kitchen table, and I had two days of successful page count. By the third day, (it always seems to be the third day) my muse was bored with that location, and I moved back to the couch. The day in the future when I'm blessed with a writing room of my own, I guess I'm going to have to have several writing spots within that room to keep my muse sufficiently entertained. And let's hope that I can keep her within the room. 
 This matter of not being able to stick to one spot for writing used to bother me, but I think I'm mostly resigned to it. It's just not for me, I guess. I've made great strides in maintaining my concentration, and increasing word count, but I guess a stagnant location is not my cup of mojo. 
 So currently, I'm on the couch, quite comfortable, and I have today's scene all planned out. I think I'm going to make a little more coffee, and get to it. I've got about two and a half hours to shape this world before I gotta go do those pesky things called "errands". 
 Happy writing! 
kr

This is me Trying. At least soon.

I am a little frustrated at myself tonight. I am frustrated that I wasted so many years when I was only working twenty hours a week, and I never finished this stupid manuscript. Ok, I'm sorry manuscript- you're not stupid. Your writer is stupid.
 Now I work full-time, in a physically demanding position, and all I want to do when I get home is go to bed. Well, drink a little vodka and pass out. I feel totally unable to come up with the needed creativity for the book. So I hop onto my favorite writers' blogs, and try to drum up some motivation. Sometimes it works, it often doesn't. And look- here I am, writing a blog instead of working on the book. Unfortunately, spilling out my thoughts is always easier than coming up with new stuff.
 Fuck a duck. Ok, get it together just for a little while longer. Self, you have a great laptop to write on, now use it. You're 75% really done, finish this damn thing.  And I plan on making this a trilogy?? HA!
Take a shower?
NO. Write.
My nails really need to be painted....
NO. Write.
*Sigh* 

K.

Lost Girl

Here I am, staying up too late once again. Work took forever to get through tonight, I thought the shift would never end. I was feeling very emotional tonight- I really really miss my mama :( It was probably a good thing that A was asleep when I got home, cuz I think I would have started crying if he hugged me. I should still have a good cry session in the shower, just to get all that funky juju out of my system. Sometimes I get panicky, thinking of all the time that's going by that I'm not spending with my mom and she's not going to be around forever. (Ahh, here come the tears!) Technology is great for keeping in touch over distances, but nothing beats the real deal. I get jealous over the mother/daughter pairs I see shopping together, and I wish I could do that with her. Not that she ever just goes leisure shopping- Ha! I will be going down to see her in a couple of weeks, it's just never enough time to really hang out and talk. When she comes up here, I'm usually working and it sucks that we can't chill. Is this part of getting close to thirty, that you start having anxiety attacks over your aging parents?  Christ. 
  I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. Tuesdays suck ass b/c I'm coming off of three nights closing, and going to bed too late. Getting up the energy for my physically demanding job on Tuesday mornings is hard to accomplish. That, and keeping my mood decent.  
  I need to shift gears, and find something better paying and better scheduled. I'm already so tired of several aspects at that place, but at the same time, I'm dreading the whole job hunting/interviewing process. UGH. I will be much better at it this go- around, but it's still a bit nerve-racking. 
  Which brings me to the other bit of angst I'm feeling- I am really missing the old good money Saturday nights at the club. Back when Cory was there, and the stage shows and the fun times we used to have and the crazy customers and the dancing and the loud ass music and the sky high heels and the drugs and making out with girls. *Sigh* I miss flirting with girls, slapping ass and squeezing on boobies. The place still had energy back then, it's not pathetic like it is now. And it's not just that place, all of Syracuse has become a black hole for naked entertainment. Syracuse has lost a lot of businesses over the last ten years, and it shows. 
Sometimes it seems like a dream, that I had a million years ago. 
Alright, let me get my ass in the shower and get all this shit out of my head. Hopefully I'll be able to pass out afterward.  
kr
 
 
 
 
 

Forgotten Angst

You know what I realized is missing from my life now? The paranoia that used to plague me when I ventured to work outside of the dancing world. I had a brief stint at a restaurant several years ago, and I was constantly paranoid that I would be recognized. I always wore baggy shirts and pulled my hair up- of course I knew how looking pretty translated into better tips, but I was just too paranoid. 
 When I started in retail last June (it's almost been a year!) I had a bit of that paranoia still, but it was hedged out by the pride I had in myself for getting out of the club. My first job wasn't anything glamorous, that's for sure, but still. The customers I deal with now are a galaxy ahead of those at the first job. Good Lord. 
 And now, I don't worry about it. Occasionally I will see someone from that part of my life, but I just laugh about it (unless it's someone who I can't stand, then I avoid them). There is a guy who I see at work and who stops to chat a couple times a week that I know from the club, but he thinks that I look familiar just from seeing me in the store. I'm pretty confident that he really doesn't realize that he knows me from there, and the other employees make fun of him 'cuz he's a little weird. Dorky, quiet with big old glasses, but he's a good guy. He was another girl's regular while I was dancing, and she enjoyed his visits and he was a good tipper. I'm always tempted to pull him aside and remind him, but I'm pretty sure he would get super embarrassed and we would never see him again. And, just let sleeping dogs lie, right?
K

Writing & Vampires

I think I get too serious about writing. I mean, there is quite a bit that has be serious- correct punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. But the story itself- why do I struggle to be more imaginative and take more risks? Lord knows I still have the imagination of a 10-year old, why do I have so much trouble translating that on paper?
 I have loved the written word....books....writing....since I can remember.  I loved adventure stories the most, and am fascinated with all sorts of creatures, that's why the paranormal genre is really the best avenue for me. Then I can just make shit up. 
Which brings me to my next case-in-point: when it comes to vampires, I don't believe there's really a set bunch of rules. There are many many different versions of them in ancient worldwide folklore, and yes, there are two "rules" that usually show up: sunlight is not a friend, and blood is yummy. But whether that blood should be let through a thigh artery, or a newborn's pinkie, changes depending on the part of the world. Along with different methods for protecting yourself from them.
 And as writers, I believe we're allowed to shape our vampires however we want. I personally love the Underworld version the best: they live in dreary castles, wear sexy black costumes complete with dusters, and are aristocratic snobs. I love the blue-black backdrop of those movies and let's not get me started on Selena.... ;)
 Vampires should be deadly, and sexy as hell. I suppose that's why vamp chic lit *sneer* has never really pulled me in. It's too normal. Vampires are not normal. Vampires are Gods of the Dark. 
 Every guy that I've dated has rolled his eyes when I start talking vampires. I know, most guys think they're corny. 
 However, the women with any sense know- Vampires can get it. 
  Ok, I need to go listen to mine. 
 K

Future Whatevers

Don't worry guys, I'm better. Monday has passed, along with its insanity.
We had a crazy day at work, and I feel frustrated b/c there's still so much to do that we didn't get done today. Plus we have a HUGE truck tomorrow, which is going to get everything backed up.
I don't know if I'm going to be at this company for a long time, but as its a strong and growing company, there are plenty of opportunities that I can take, and avenues of personal interest that I would love to be involved in. I will be a manager someday, not because I necessarily want to be one, but I want the knowledge and experience.
Some days, I leave work feeling really good about my future with this company, and some days I leave feeling frustrated and restless.
I've been thinking about going back to school for business administration. Again, not because I'm terribly interested in the subject matter, but I need to know it. Yes, I still have dreams of having my own shop someday ;)
 I just had a delicious dinner that was cooking and filling up the house with its delicious smells when I got home. I still have a headache, but with the food in my belly and a glass of alcoholic relaxation, I'll be just fine ;)
K