Strong

I am entering a second coming, if you will. 
Of late, I've been pondering just how I've transformed over the last year and a half. I'm not sure, but I have an inkling, that all retired dancers have to go through a period of rediscovery after the world of nakedness- entering the real world and the job market. Losing the mass of admiring, drooling men creates a weird gray void that is slowly filled in or erased over time. It's not just them, it's being at the top of something that yes, is nothing to be admired, but still- going from top bitch to...bottom of the barrel.
  I've been realizing just how much my current place of employment has not helped me find myself. Instead it has further dampered my spirit and zest. It's a very cold place, that very rarely gives feedback and encouragement. The employees are just grunt workers- meant to be used and abused. I've lost track of the hard work ethic and enthusiasm I used to have, and I'm in the process of digging that up again. I know I still have it in me, I just have to shake it awake once again and remind myself that yes, I'm a great worker and deserve a better post. It's like I moved from a position that society frowned upon but which I owned, to one that is slightly abusive. I'm only recently realizing this.
I'm in the process of getting that back, finding it once again. Shaping a stronger, more resilient, slightly arrogant version of myself. I need a little arrogance right now. Bull headedness, not accepting no for an answer. Going full steam ahead, a bit reckless, but also intelligent, and calculating. 
  Returning to my current job tomorrow, there will be a little more 'fuck you' inside of me, which has been increasing as of late. I will perform my duties as expected, and I will continue to provide excellent customer service, but taking away the anxiety of hoping to please while never getting positive feedback helps me be stronger. Does that make any sense? 
 K

Identity Crisis

Ok, so it's not a crisis, per se, as I don't do crises. But lately- at times- I find myself a little...lost. No doubt due to the fact that a life-change coincided with a "personal growth spurt" in my timeline. I'm curious, does this happen to all ex-dancers? I would bet it does. As much as its a bad idea to let the lifestyle inundate your life, it happens inevitably.
     I've also had more SAD lately than normal for fall. The change of seasons always brings back so many memories, but I am especially sad the good weather is going.
   The offers for interviews are finally coming in- thank god. Now just to get through a slurry of interviews and find a landing place. And get out of there before the Christmas hustle really starts. We're already getting Christmas candy in by the boatload.I don't mind the customer service so much (although yesterday I just wanted to post up in the middle of the store and scream out, "NO I CAN'T FUCKING HELP YOU! LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME GET SOMETHING DONE TODAY!!!) I just am quite tired of cleaning up after people.
   I owe you guys another installment of Elemental Evil, I know. Three weeks is about when I lose steam for a project, I wasn't surprised. I'm not giving up on it, don't worry. It's been fun to write. I'm purposely keeping the installments short, as it's easier for me to be more regular with it, and I think the audience does better with shorter pieces. We're all fitting it in on our lunch breaks, right?
  Off to create. 
K 

Impatient Part II

In kinda a funk today. Part of it is being the new person at work, even though there's many of us new associates. I haven't heard back from the better-paying job, which is disappointing, but oh well. My retail career goes on.
 I think I'm just mentally exhausted. I've made great strides in eliminating unnecessary anxiety that I used to carry around, simply because I couldn't afford to let it have me lose out on opportunities this year. And I'm very proud of myself, for how much I've kicked my own ass into gear, but I'm tired. The lazy bitch inside of me wants to go back to dancing, and having money handed to me for doing nothing but looking pretty. Oh, and being naked. Ahh, the good ole pre-recession days of stripping. Forever put to rest.
  I remind myself that I've always loved this place where I work now, and I'm proud of myself for making a mini-dream come true. However, it's a bit akin to torture- there are so many clothes, handbags, and heels all around that I fucking want.  I talk to them while I organize, tag and put them away- I tell them how beautiful they are and when I'm rich I'm going to buy them all. I think they're comforted. Probably more than I am. 
K

It's Friday, Bitches!

Hello there.
Posting to you from our amazing bed, in pajamas, w/ a warm purring kitty next to me.
  I had a very productive, busy week & am going to reward myself w/  a nap for a little bit. Mmmm, sleep.
I had two job interviews on Wednesday, both of them went well & I heard back from one yesterday w/ a job offer! So excited- I'm gng to try to pursue my dream of becoming a fashion buyer someday. I would love that, although if something better paying comes along.....hmm, I don't know. We'll see how it goes. There's lots of opportunity to grow w/ this company, and if I could work up to being a buyer for them, that would be ideal. Pretty sure I need a Bachelors degree, which I plan on pursuing next fall. Maybe earlier than that if I think I'm ready to buckle down again, haha.
Ok, I'm gng to pass out for a bit. Then I have a haircut & color appointment & some catch-up w/ my (ex) gf later #girlyday
K

Impatient

I have an interview tomorrow that I hope lands me the job. It would be a much nicer, and closer place of employment.
 This year has been a big one for growth, which means in part getting used to being uncomfortable. It took me a long time to want to break out of my comfort zone, but I've done it. I have downsized my anxiety to a small little black, miserable box, which I keep inside of a bigger box. 
 And now I'm impatient. Impatient for a better, more progressive workplace, and hopefully better pay. Please God, let there be better pay. This wage sucks, and I miss shopping :( I've been such a hermit this year because of having no money. I mean, the fact that I'd rather be holed up with my lover than be around stupid, annoying people, plays a major role in that hermitage, but the lack of money is the other part. 
 Take a deep breath, you nut case. You've made amazing progress on several fronts this year......WHY COULDN'T I BE PAID FOR ALL MY WORK?? 
Ok, I'll stop complaining. I know it sucks right now, but it won't forever. 
K

TGIF!

I'm so happy its Friday, even though I still have another fairly long day ahead of me (and I have to work tomorrow :P).
 I had an interview yesterday, which went well despite not being what I'm looking for. It was still good interview practice though :P I have another one today for a position that's a bit more interesting. 
 It was kinda funny- there were two former dancers who came by work yesterday; the one has been in the professional world for much longer than I have been, while the other one...hasn't changed much. There's always a moment when two dancers meet up in public, and their brains scramble trying to remember the other girl's real name. Sometimes the dancer name gets blurted out, luckily that did not happen yesterday.
 I also saw the daughter of my 4-H troop leader yesterday, very pregnant with her second kid. She gave me a surprised look- I was the local scandal back in 2005 when the farming community learned I had become a stripper. There's always this dismissive air I get from people that disapprove of my past naked employment. In her case, she comes from a very Christian background, so I'm not even going to touch that. Yes, yes, I know, I'm going to burn in hell. However, I do not envy her at all- she's going to have two babies to take care of. Of course she's married to the farm boy she had been crushing on since being a teenager, and I'm sure she wants to pop out like five more little ones. Fuck that.
Maybe I should stop mentioning how much I don't want kids. It's probably bad juju and my birth control will fail or some shit *knocks on wood*.
TGIF, fuckers!

This Adult Life

Good Morning. 
I have a job interview today that I suspect will be a dud, but will be good interview practice nonetheless, and another one tomorrow. Plus, I have one to call back and schedule an interview for. 
 And I have several writing gigs right now, also. Of course everything comes in at once :P I'm not complaining, just gotta keep my head out of the clouds, both literally and figuratively, har har. 
 I'm not as nervous this round of interviews. I'm at the point where I'm (almost) desperate for better pay and/or full-time work so I'm like, Come on, let's get this over with.
 Ok, I gotta get some stuff done before I turn all professional ;) 
Have a great Thong Thursday! 
K