Monday Madness

Hello Monday, you evil serpentine element of my psyche.
I'm a little nutty most Mondays. Especially ones after I had the weekend off, like this past one. My weekends are pretty epic and delicious, so when A leaves for work, there's this huge void suddenly. 
Separation Anxiety can suck it. It's so not who I normally am, but on Mondays, it rears its ugly head and I spend all morning dodging it. I don't work until afternoon on Mondays, and from about 10 a.m. to 1, I try to stay busy (or asleep) and have to stifle mini panic attacks that threaten to rise up. It's ugly, it is. Three stupid hours of hell, and then I can distract myself with getting ready for work.
A part of it is reverse SAD, which has always plagued me about this time of year most of my life. I get an overwhelming feeling of being left out of something- I feel like everyone is off doing something summery and fun and I'm left behind. Which is stupid in itself, because I'm naturally a loner and I don't give a shit if people are off cavorting around. I cavort by myself just fine.
I think it traces back to my childhood, when I was always facing pressure to be more active, and more sports/team oriented. It was even worse when my mom moved us out to the country, and the community there was so sports oriented. Once I started working on the neighboring farms, I had a very active lifestyle, it just wasn't on a team. I've always hated organized sports, "those kinds of kids"  intimidated the fuck out of me.
 But anyways, I'm going to really concentrate on my novel, and hopefully get most of the final battle scene done. I'm anxious to be done with this one, and when I need motivation, I think about how I'd rather be a full-time writer than having a real job. I mean, I've made tremendous progress in getting a career going, but when it comes down to brass tacks (hehe, that's the first time I've ever used that expression!) I'd rather be writing.
  So let's all remember to just breathe today, ok? Everything is going to be fine.
K

Impatient

I have an interview tomorrow that I hope lands me the job. It would be a much nicer, and closer place of employment.
 This year has been a big one for growth, which means in part getting used to being uncomfortable. It took me a long time to want to break out of my comfort zone, but I've done it. I have downsized my anxiety to a small little black, miserable box, which I keep inside of a bigger box. 
 And now I'm impatient. Impatient for a better, more progressive workplace, and hopefully better pay. Please God, let there be better pay. This wage sucks, and I miss shopping :( I've been such a hermit this year because of having no money. I mean, the fact that I'd rather be holed up with my lover than be around stupid, annoying people, plays a major role in that hermitage, but the lack of money is the other part. 
 Take a deep breath, you nut case. You've made amazing progress on several fronts this year......WHY COULDN'T I BE PAID FOR ALL MY WORK?? 
Ok, I'll stop complaining. I know it sucks right now, but it won't forever. 
K

TGIF!

I'm so happy its Friday, even though I still have another fairly long day ahead of me (and I have to work tomorrow :P).
 I had an interview yesterday, which went well despite not being what I'm looking for. It was still good interview practice though :P I have another one today for a position that's a bit more interesting. 
 It was kinda funny- there were two former dancers who came by work yesterday; the one has been in the professional world for much longer than I have been, while the other one...hasn't changed much. There's always a moment when two dancers meet up in public, and their brains scramble trying to remember the other girl's real name. Sometimes the dancer name gets blurted out, luckily that did not happen yesterday.
 I also saw the daughter of my 4-H troop leader yesterday, very pregnant with her second kid. She gave me a surprised look- I was the local scandal back in 2005 when the farming community learned I had become a stripper. There's always this dismissive air I get from people that disapprove of my past naked employment. In her case, she comes from a very Christian background, so I'm not even going to touch that. Yes, yes, I know, I'm going to burn in hell. However, I do not envy her at all- she's going to have two babies to take care of. Of course she's married to the farm boy she had been crushing on since being a teenager, and I'm sure she wants to pop out like five more little ones. Fuck that.
Maybe I should stop mentioning how much I don't want kids. It's probably bad juju and my birth control will fail or some shit *knocks on wood*.
TGIF, fuckers!

ExCaliber (originally written 5/12/13)

I came through and cleaned this literary house; I should be studying for finals but I’ve been itching to get some writing done.
Friday was the first day of the speaking (I was going to put ‘oral’ but we all know how my dirty mind is) part of my Spanish final. I did much better than my partner, who did zero prep-work and apparently no studying. I’m pretty sure I’m doing everything in life better than she is. I suspect she is a meth addict, seen enough of the symptoms, I work with enough of its slaves.
When I got home, my boyfriend and I took off for my mom’s farm, which is downstate some 2 1/2 hours. Beautiful drive, and the weather wasn’t too horrible. We made sure to pick up rubber boots before we left; you know ain’t afraid of some slop
I love cows, they’re amazing animals. I know it sounds weird, but I love how they smell- I love the smell of cowshit, and the way their hair smells (yes, they have hair, not fur) and even how their breath smells. Mmmm….rumination! They’re such good animals–they give so much of themselves, and we use so much of them. The modern dairy cow has a shitty short life, I wish all bovines could be raised out of pasture doing their cow thing.
Our dinner was completely homegrown or it was locally produced. The hamburger we enjoyed was one of theirs that they had slaughtered. The potatoes were ones they had grown last summer, and the asparagus was fresh (although not nearly as tasty as the way my bf cooks it) .
We stayed overnight at an ugly, overpriced hotel, but we had a fun night We went back over to the farm for a hearty breakfast and to feed treats to the hairy beasts up on the hill. I got my hand stuck in a cows mouth and had to yank it out. I forgot they had bottom teeth
Said our goodbyes before noon and hit the road; close to Rochester we stopped at a Nick Roussos for a Garbage Plate- new experience for me. Very interesting, different eatery. I had the white hot plate, which was two coneys over mac salad and potatos. MMmmm….carb overload
The final stop was to pick up his mom and the three of us traveled to the Lilac Festival (which is going on all weekend–go check it out!) . Lilacs are my favorite all time flower, and they have such a short blooming period This park is so beautiful, and there’s over 500 varieties scattered all over, among other ancient unusual trees.
I am so happy that we got to go, I’ve been wanting to go for years now. Guess it took just being with the right person
K