Late Night Thoughts

"Fuck the fame/ I'm a simply man"
 "Tell me is it cool to fuck?/ Did you think I came to talk?/ Am I a fool or what?"

 It's 11:03 and I should be in bed. I was at work till almost ten and I'm almost ready to sleep.
The lover and I dropped off our first load to the new place, we're both excited about being out in the country :) What I'm not looking forward to is driving around there.....we'll see how brutal this winter turns out to be be. Can't prevent it anyway :P It's not like I haven't driven in plenty of inclemental weather, that's for damn sure. I was thinking the other day how I've never *knocks on wood* hit a deer, although I have certainly had to slam on the brakes for them plenty of times. I don't know how I made it to work on the farm sometimes, driving half-asleep. Deer were often my second alarm clock, lol. WIDE AWAKE NOW, THANKS!
 Can I discuss the topic of anxiety for a moment? I have always had anxiety, from being a small child on up, however I only put a name to it and figured out what that awful feeling was around age 25. I really didn't know what anxiety was until then, even though I have always dealt with it. I worried about everything when I was a kid, & I was shy and withdrawn. Riding the school bus was often a huge task, and I was so terrified of getting on the wrong bus, or missing my bus and not getting home. I was part of the team in my high school that put together the first ever literary journal for that school, and I loved it. However, having to ride the late bus was so nerve-racking, I didn't always go to meetings b/c I couldn't face having to ride the late bus. 
  In July I was dealing with New Job Anxiety, and here I am again in October dealing with the same. I AM NOT COMPLAINING,  and I understand that it is what it is, and it will pass, just as it did for the first non-naked job. But it's so annoying.  I hate the tightness in my chest and back, and the rapid heartbeat. Not to mention the fleeting moments of nausea. Oh yeah, that's all me, nice little nutcase package. I get annoyed with it when I'm working, like GO AWAY! Followed by: Just breathe, bitch. And to my credit, I have made tremendous progress this year, and have gotten pretty stupendous at working through it. It's not something that I let hold me back, and well, you just get kinda used to being uncomfortable.
 New Job is also Lonely Time, when you haven't really made any work buddies and it's awkward when you enter the break room. Not that I give a fuck what any of the non-manager staff think of me,  but it just makes me think of my former naked buddies, and how close we were in a way, due to the nudity. Working at this particular place also makes me miss my best friend, whom I used to shop there with once upon a time. I need more adult gfs :( Got plenty of dysfunctional ones to hang with, but I'm not interested anymore.
 Those that know me know that I'm obsessed with the Kardashians, especially Kim and her fat ass, but in their defense, they have given me a powerful tool-the saying: Fake it Till You Make It. I'm sure they weren't the first to say such, but they are the ones I associate with it and it really helps for dealing with moments of anxiety. Fake It Till You Make It, Baby. Even when you feel like shit, and you're a basketcase inside, act like a fucking Queen. Till you can afford to be yourself again, har har.
Fuck the Haters, is another that's often tossed around. Gathering a bit of arrogance around you can be a strong armor, when needed :P 
Thanks for listening, 
K

Anouk: Modern World

Beautiful Day. At the end of a transitional, fairly successful week.

I've been hired at a local retail joint, and I'm still amazed at how much easier the job hunt was/is without the club hanging over my head. I can't describe how uncomfortable it was, pretending not to be a dancer looking for a job. It's akin to going back to school after you get your first period. It feels like everyone knows, and its mega-paranoia time. 
Is this how every ex-dancer feels, once they've taken the plunge and gotten out of the lifestyle? Like I've shed a dirty old ragged skin that no longer fit. I feel cleaner, refreshed, and I've gotten a good dose of my confidence and self-esteem back that had been overshadowed by The Pole.
Fuck that Pole. 

The lover and I tried out Bagelicious II for breakfast today. Cute little place, good coffee. The bagels? ...Eh. 

We traveled out to his father's camp later, and I met his other brother, his wife, and their adorable daughter. Such fat cheeks!! 
The lake is quite high, no surprise there. It was beautiful out today, and I wish I could stand the heat better. 

The month of June flew by, and it was a stressful, busy month. Good riddance! I only feel a little panicky about losing a whole month of summer where I didn't pack in enough summer activities. However, I got a B in that awful Spanish class, so June can fuck itself.



;)
K