Trips Into Nothingness

Ah, Saturday morning. A morning with hours alone, the TV on mute showing some black and white gangster film, and I have dubstep blasting in my ears. Hubby is off securing the grocery list with which to entertain my in-laws when they arrive later today. I have a whole house to clean.
  That kind of situation is exactly what I needed to make me want to write again! It's so bad, I'm such a procrastinator. You fill my day up with activity, and it snaps me right out of a mini writers block and back in writer mode! *grin*
  I will make some progress on Chapter 20, right now before I start to clean.Things are really starting to heat up in Underbelly Book 1 and that's what threw me off- perhaps I will always need to take a break before the big climax build. (After all, you must be well-rested before a climax....)
  Morning is always my best writing time. Also, who the fuck wants to clean their house right when they get up? That's not happening. 
  Ok, munchkins. I hope everyone has a great relaxing weekend. Unofficially the end of summer, and I'm all ready for it.

KR
  

Have I Made Any Progress?

Help me, dear readers. I'm stuck in a hole of self-doubt.
Today I am wondering- have I made any progress on being a "normal productive adult"?
  It's been three years since I left my former life, and I've had moderate success at leaving that hot mess behind and being an adult.
  Bpphhhttttt!
Up until recently I really thought I had made major progress. But now I'm being chased by the self-doubt monster and I'm thinking, "Am I irrevocably damaged?"
 Did I spend too much time in the underbelly of society, running wild? Can I still be successfully acclimated into the business world? Or am I always going to struggle with self-doubt and anxiety?
 I guess I'm wondering if because I didn't have the building blocks of adulting established early on, I am always going to be struggling to catch up. Did I spend too much time seeing things through a haze of smoke and fog to ever be able to fully clear it? Am I broken?
  I feel like no one gets my sense of humor. I feel like I fail miserably as an adult. And its funny- all I wanted when I was 18, was to be 30, and to be living a sensible, adult life. Man, if I could only have looked ahead and seen what a crock of shit it is, haha.
I was lucky to be able to escape, but it is not easy. That industry is so very different on so many levels from the real world, that it's a roller coaster of acclimation that a lot of former dancers fail at. I will not fail, but I've got to find my niche. That's the struggle.
  Ok, I'll stop whining and get to writing.

KR

Morning Demons

Good morning, readers.
Today I managed to wake up early, enough to get a tad bit of writing done. I love the early morning- I love the quiet, the half-light, the calm before the day begins. However, my love of sleep often outweighs my love of writing.
I'm trying to change that.
I would love to be the type that bounces out of bed the minute the alarm goes off, but alas, it's a daily struggle. Occasionally, when I'm in a super good writing spot, my eagerness to keep the story going will help me not hit the snooze button...again,and again.....but for the most part, my brain tells me to F*** off.
I'm trying to figure out my sleep rhythm, and I suspect that I need to set my alarm even earlier- it seems like any later than 5 a.m., and it's near impossible for me to get out of bed. However, I'm going to have to get my mind used to seeing a '4' and not automatically thinking, No way man. 
 The other side of that quarter is going to bed early enough. This time of year, when it's light until past nine, going to bed at a reasonable hour is a whole 'nuther difficult factor in this.

 I'm really just stalling with this blog post. It's easier to bitch about my sleep schedule than work on Chapter 11. I finished Chapter 10 last night and Chapter 11 requires a good portion of backstory and description. Backstory is easier than description, for me.
 (Besides waking early, description is definitely my biggest writing challenge. I'm much more eager to write action scenes, than to describe what my characters are seeing.)

KR

LIttle Nook of Crooked

This coming week I have a very busy, crazy schedule. I am about to embark on a serious career undertaking, my biggest break since quitting dancing. In less than two years, I have made more progress than I thought possible, and have clawed my way up from ground zero.
  I was doing some Facebook stalking tonight, and looking up some people from my past, and reflecting on those crazy days.
  Do I sometimes wish I was still living the easy life, shaking titties for dollar bills? No. But there were a few perks, like free backrubs....ahh, how I miss those! And sitting on my ass for most of the day, not making shit, then bam! Mr. Lonely With a Cash Advance walks through the door, and there you go! $500+ in just a matter of an hour's worth of bullshit.
  I seldom get a chance to 'wile out', if you will. You have no idea how often I'm at work, and just want to shout out some crazy gibberish and dance around like a fool. Or make totally inappropriate comments about the size of a coworkers tits or the bulge in the technician's pants. But these days, its all about being professional and grown up, which is fine and great.....99.6% of the time. Kelly Raine is being chiseled down day by day. But she will persevere! Even if it's just a tiny little island that she occupies....I need her. Still. She is my escape. She is my bitch of all that is crazy, inappropriate, sexy, immature.
  Ok, I just needed to vent a bit. Tomorrow is Monday, and I will conquer all. Not a large clue of what I'm doing, but hey, I'll figure it out in time. My little bit of dark and demonic history I will hold close to me, and it will be my secret of comfort when shit hits the fan. I've gotten naked in front of hundreds of people.....what the fuck do I have to be nervous about?

K.Raine

Too Much Cleavage!

It's five-thirty in the frickin' morning and I'm sitting in my living room, my tea kettle about to start screaming in the kitchen. I like a little black tea in the morning to get me going. I have found that the combination of a cup of black tea, followed by a small cup of joe gives me a good prolonged boost of energy, and the tea helps curve hunger pains. Nothing worse than that empty-stomach-in-the-morning feeling. Blech.

Anyway, let me tell you about this dream I had, involving my boss: One morning I decide to wear a super cleavage-y top to work, and my tits were looking quite nice. They were a bit bigger than in real life, and apparently, they offended my boss. By "offended", I mean they were too distracting, and he sent me home to change my shirt. 
  For some reason, it took me all day to find a different shirt to wear, and then make my way back to work. I didn't get there until six o clock, but I did offer to stay and work on back stuff. 
   It was a very stressful dream. I was put off by being told to go change, and then all these things happened to me while I was home, that delayed me getting back. No, I can't remember the details, but I remember the stress of it all. 
  And the boobs.
   I miss playing with boobs.
   

Kelly R. 

Friday Morning .....

....Is like the day after a long, hard battle. There are the casualties of the week all around you- dishes & dirty clothes piled up, the litter box needs emptying, my mind needs emptying.....and just a few more hours of struggle before the weekend begins & you can clean things up. 

  Ok, a bit of an exaggeration. My house doesn't get that dirty. But it feels like it gets super disorganized and messy. 

  I love the weekends. After so many years of not having the whole weekend, every weekend for leisure it's still a novelty. 

  This week was killer. Both personal and work-wise. But it's almost over 😎 and it will be spring....eventually. 

Hope your Friday goes Fabulously! 

  Live & Light, 

K 

  

Happy Sunday!

Good morning, all you lovelies out there! I hope everyone is having a relaxing weekend, maybe with some reading? Of the paranormal type? Hmm?

 I am dealing with a bit of a headache right now, that I believe is caused by the amount of alcohol I might have consumed last night. A strong cup of coffee will probably take care of it, after copious amounts of water.

We had A's company Christmas party last night at the casino, plenty of shmoozing and good food. I thought my hooker heels would have been too much (Guess 5"ers, love them!) but then every bitch there had sky high heels on so I felt a little dumpy in my flats.

Two wardrobe facts that I have discovered along my journey of Full Time Adult Work Schedule, is
a) I might wear a size 8 in jeans, but with dress pants I wear a size 6, so that the pants sit above my hips and saggy butt is eliminated,
and
b) when buying pumps and any leather/leatherette shoes, buy 1/2 size smaller than you normally wear, cuz them dem babies are going to stretch like a bitch. I now have a pair of dress flats and a pair of pumps that are too big. Awesome.

I've been having a small creative dilemma the last couple of weeks. A few days after I published The Awakening, it occurred to me that while yes, Book 2 needs to be worked on, but technically, I've got a little bit of freedom to explore my other creative desires.
I would still love to make my own clothing line, and I heard that a certain mother-in-law might have purchased me a mannequin to help that along.
  I would also like to get back into painting, something I did when I was a teenager and I wasn't too bad, if I do say so myself.
  I just haven't been feeling the writing bug lately; I've got the first couple of chapters of Book 2 of The Broken Bloodlines series sketched out, but the urge isn't there. I'm still looking for it.

Any of you out there that read The Awakening, would you please leave me a review? Even just a short comment, I want your feedback!!
Love yall,
KelBel

One at a Time

For those of you that know me, you know that in the past I usually had several projects going on at the same time. I was always overloading myself, and as a result, I never could finish anything.
 I understand that I overloaded myself with projects to try to compensate for not having a career going. Now that I have a career started and I'm doing well, I'm not as haunted by the desperation to produce. However, I still have projects and ambitions bouncing around in my brain, and I probably always will.
  Last night my creating bug was pestering me to work on my clothing line again. I got on eBay, and looked up dress mannequins. I still have a lot of fabric and my two sewing machines......
 STOP. You need to finish your book first, my voice of Reason spoke up and put the brakes to the thought process. Once you finish your book, polish it up and send it off to your first publisher, you can dive right back into your sewing dreams. Book first, Reason told me.
 So that's where I'm at. In the book, I'm on the final battle scene. I had to totally rework it, and shape it up to be the first in a trilogy. If I can pull this off, it will be a miracle. But this manuscript deserves a second chance and it's my baby.
 I have my first writing group meeting tonight. I am long overdue to make writing connections, and I also need adult friends, LOL. I first attempted to join them a couple of months ago, but I decided I was more into hibernating for the rest of winter. Well, we are all over the damn snow, so I am emerging once again into the world.
 Alright, off to the literary trenches.
 K

Feelin' my Pharrell

Happy Weekend!
I had a fantastic week- on Wednesday I received notice that I had gotten the promotion, new position starts Monday. It was the boost of confidence that I seriously needed, and it has renewed my resolve to rise in the company. The next position is when the big bucks start flowing, that's my next target. Now I'm one step closer.
Everyone is happy for me, except for the girl I was up against. She is no longer "chummy" with me, and tries to catch any mistakes I make.
 Last night, A took me out to a delicious steak dinner at Scotch & Sirloin to celebrate. The food was so good, and the alcohol was flowing- my ass passed out about as soon as we had settled back on the couch.
  Life is good. Don't worry, I don't take it for granted, and I say my prayers for it to continue. I am extremely grateful for everything I've been blessed with the last year and a half.
  On to work on the book!
K

Winter Mishaps

So funny story....
 I had just parked my car at work yesterday and had only taken one step after shutting my door, and Whoop! My feet slipped out from under me and I landed flat on my back, in the snow between two cars. I lay there for a second, as it was so unexpected, and briefly wondered what happened.
 Halfway through the night, I woke with the worst shoulder and neck pain and thought, Did I really sleep that poorly? I couldn't even sit-up (still cant!) I've never gotten whiplash from falling, it's a new experience. How's your winter going?
   I have an upcoming interview, for a higher position in the store. It will be full-time w/ benefits and a bit more of a regular schedule. I am going to pursue it, but I sort of have some doubt setting in. I crave a normal, 9-5, weekends off type of job. I can't stand the back and forth scheduling, but I remind myself it's always better once I get there. So, if I get the promotion great, and if I don't, not the end of the world.
  That's where writing motivation comes from. I need to keep working on it, and maybe someday if I'm lucky, I can be a full-time writer.
 In the meantime, I have dishes to wash.
 K
 @KellyRwrites
  

Late Night Thoughts

"Fuck the fame/ I'm a simply man"
 "Tell me is it cool to fuck?/ Did you think I came to talk?/ Am I a fool or what?"

 It's 11:03 and I should be in bed. I was at work till almost ten and I'm almost ready to sleep.
The lover and I dropped off our first load to the new place, we're both excited about being out in the country :) What I'm not looking forward to is driving around there.....we'll see how brutal this winter turns out to be be. Can't prevent it anyway :P It's not like I haven't driven in plenty of inclemental weather, that's for damn sure. I was thinking the other day how I've never *knocks on wood* hit a deer, although I have certainly had to slam on the brakes for them plenty of times. I don't know how I made it to work on the farm sometimes, driving half-asleep. Deer were often my second alarm clock, lol. WIDE AWAKE NOW, THANKS!
 Can I discuss the topic of anxiety for a moment? I have always had anxiety, from being a small child on up, however I only put a name to it and figured out what that awful feeling was around age 25. I really didn't know what anxiety was until then, even though I have always dealt with it. I worried about everything when I was a kid, & I was shy and withdrawn. Riding the school bus was often a huge task, and I was so terrified of getting on the wrong bus, or missing my bus and not getting home. I was part of the team in my high school that put together the first ever literary journal for that school, and I loved it. However, having to ride the late bus was so nerve-racking, I didn't always go to meetings b/c I couldn't face having to ride the late bus. 
  In July I was dealing with New Job Anxiety, and here I am again in October dealing with the same. I AM NOT COMPLAINING,  and I understand that it is what it is, and it will pass, just as it did for the first non-naked job. But it's so annoying.  I hate the tightness in my chest and back, and the rapid heartbeat. Not to mention the fleeting moments of nausea. Oh yeah, that's all me, nice little nutcase package. I get annoyed with it when I'm working, like GO AWAY! Followed by: Just breathe, bitch. And to my credit, I have made tremendous progress this year, and have gotten pretty stupendous at working through it. It's not something that I let hold me back, and well, you just get kinda used to being uncomfortable.
 New Job is also Lonely Time, when you haven't really made any work buddies and it's awkward when you enter the break room. Not that I give a fuck what any of the non-manager staff think of me,  but it just makes me think of my former naked buddies, and how close we were in a way, due to the nudity. Working at this particular place also makes me miss my best friend, whom I used to shop there with once upon a time. I need more adult gfs :( Got plenty of dysfunctional ones to hang with, but I'm not interested anymore.
 Those that know me know that I'm obsessed with the Kardashians, especially Kim and her fat ass, but in their defense, they have given me a powerful tool-the saying: Fake it Till You Make It. I'm sure they weren't the first to say such, but they are the ones I associate with it and it really helps for dealing with moments of anxiety. Fake It Till You Make It, Baby. Even when you feel like shit, and you're a basketcase inside, act like a fucking Queen. Till you can afford to be yourself again, har har.
Fuck the Haters, is another that's often tossed around. Gathering a bit of arrogance around you can be a strong armor, when needed :P 
Thanks for listening, 
K

Manic Monday

I realized a little bit ago that I am having a case of separation anxiety from my lover. We did have a fabulous weekend, and Monday mornings there's always this void that I have to try to fill with yummy weekend cooking leftovers and xxx video watching :P
Saturday was my graduation party that my sister and mother organized. Mom came up from the farm, and the party food was amazing-- totally Mediterranean, with rolled grape leaves, hummus, pita bread, salad with three types of olives, and minty falafel! For dessert there was vanilla and chocolate frosted cupcakes, so good :D I got to catch up with my godparents (yes, I have godparents, lol) and my good friends. It was so much fun :)
 On Sunday my bf & I went to go look at a property for rent, out in the country. I hope we hear good news today, but he doesn't think we'll get it. Whatever the case, this fall is going to be full of changes and transitions. Bring it on, rest-of-2013. Already boxed down the first half ;)
Alright, time to go clean the litter box. For the 2,345,657th time. :P 
K

The Written Word, my Old Lover (originally written 6/08/13)

While I was doing the dishes this morning, I was thinking about writing. Yesterday, while I was at work, my brain seemed to have settled on the word ‘subculture’. And there it was– the bittersweet niche of inappropriateness & debauchery that I could relocate to and set up shop.
With the topic of subculture, I feel like I put enough distance between myself and the parts of my life that I’m trying to distance myself from. Yet, I am never going to be normal, or snuff out my crazy flare-ups. (Perhaps I like the term “flare-ups of crazy” better, the latter sounds like a venereal disease, haha. )
I’ve been a fickle writer the last five years, at best.  A few years after starting to dance, the creative well seemed to lose its source of nutrients….too many distractions, a little bit of experimenting with drugs, being in a shitty relationship, having too lax of a lifestyle.
Struggling with anxiety and bouts of depression the last couple of years didn’t help matters either.
Well, maybe it was just the majority of my 20s, and all the self-discovery and trial-and-error that everyone goes through. I’m currently working on an essay about how much better 27 is than 21. Like, for real.
In any case, I feel like I’m finally starting to wake up. I’m ready to, I no longer need to keep my head buried in the sand and stay numb to block out reality.
Maybe that’s it- it’s impossible for me to create alternate realities if my own isn’t comfortable. And throw in a bit of don’t-give-a-shit-what-anyone-thinks-about-my-words, which also comes in your later 20s (if you’re lucky )
Peace & Chickengrease, y’all,
Kelly