My father called me on my birthday. I was very surprised to see his caller ID, and it made me immediately happy and nervous. I had to suppress giggling- oh, that nervous tick. I figured he had probably called my sister first, and she had cajoled him into calling me, but she said he didn't call her.
He sounded very upbeat, and we had a nice conversation. But now I'm intensely curious- why now, after so many years of not calling? What is going on in his life to change his pattern? Why did he sound so happy? My father is a creature of habit, it coincides with the alcoholism. I know it's a very morbid thought, but I couldn't help but wonder if he's sick, and is trying to amend things before he passes. I know, I know, but the man has been a lifelong smoker and heavy drinker. Like, since he was about 14.
I've often wondered if my dancing career was what made him stop communicating with me. No father wants his daughter dancing, and as far as I know him, I could see him backing away because of it. My mother blames his behavior completely on the alcoholism, of course, which yes, is about 80% of it. But still, why would he call my sister on her birthday, but never me on mine? Or call her on Christmas but not call me?
Before his phone call, I was considering writing him a letter and letting him know how I felt, how his uneven affections for his children hurt, and let him know I wasn't dancing anymore. It was going to be my last effort to create some kind of relationship with him. Now, I don't know. I think I'll just send him a card, maybe a late Christmas card.
KR
December 30, 2013
December 18, 2013
Tribe Maintenance
I have quite the beautiful, snowy, country scene out my window. Snow covered trees, a fenceline, and a falling down barn. In fact, inside that barn lives a barn kitty named Gray Stripe. Don't worry, he's a well-fed barn cat.
I am meeting up with a friend in a little while to have a good meal and catch-up. My friend M is a member of my tribe, he's one of those old-fashioned country bumpkins that's happiest when he's up in his tree stand. I have incorporated his character into my novel, in fact. His farmstead is a place of refuge for my main character when she needs to get away.
I have my Christmas shopping about half done. Every year I always wonder if I'll ever really get into the spirit like some people do. If I had gobs of money, would that do it? It would make gift-buying easier, but would it change my "Eh" attitude about it? The closest I come is when I happen upon the "perfect" gift for someone, I get a little thrill of excitement. I do admit, it would be nice to have gobs of money to perhaps change up the decorations, and do a whole holiday theme.
A Goth Christmas would be fun, I think.
K
I am meeting up with a friend in a little while to have a good meal and catch-up. My friend M is a member of my tribe, he's one of those old-fashioned country bumpkins that's happiest when he's up in his tree stand. I have incorporated his character into my novel, in fact. His farmstead is a place of refuge for my main character when she needs to get away.
I have my Christmas shopping about half done. Every year I always wonder if I'll ever really get into the spirit like some people do. If I had gobs of money, would that do it? It would make gift-buying easier, but would it change my "Eh" attitude about it? The closest I come is when I happen upon the "perfect" gift for someone, I get a little thrill of excitement. I do admit, it would be nice to have gobs of money to perhaps change up the decorations, and do a whole holiday theme.
A Goth Christmas would be fun, I think.
K
December 15, 2013
Puurrrfecct
Soundtrack:
Britney Spears, "Tick Tick Boom"
Both Britney and Bey have recently come out with new shit that I'm digging. Yes, Britney is a pop princess, but she's got 21st century soul. Her music is very honest and emotional, and add a good bass, I'm hooked. I still remember standing in line at Price Chopper and copping the picture of her crazy shaved ass swinging the umbrella. Like, woah. Beyonce- what do I even have to say? She's still a mystery to me, those fuckin' eyes of her....and gf can sing. She blows Britney out of the water, yes I know.
Anyway, having a much needed space-out moment. Work is going very well, and is very busy. I've been doing 8-4 hours, and let me tell you, at about 3 p.m. my patience is just about all done. Trying to work around crowds of people is so very annoying. Kids screaming over toys they're not getting, rude ass women (men are much more polite than women shoppers) using their shopping carts as a plow, let me tell you.
But I love it :D It's been quite an experience already.
It's been a great year, folks. I'm happier than I've been in years. Sometimes it still seems like a dream.
K
p.s. I have finished reading a whole book since the last entry-murder mystery involving people also crazy about books. How's that cosmic realignment for you? ;)
Britney Spears, "Tick Tick Boom"
Both Britney and Bey have recently come out with new shit that I'm digging. Yes, Britney is a pop princess, but she's got 21st century soul. Her music is very honest and emotional, and add a good bass, I'm hooked. I still remember standing in line at Price Chopper and copping the picture of her crazy shaved ass swinging the umbrella. Like, woah. Beyonce- what do I even have to say? She's still a mystery to me, those fuckin' eyes of her....and gf can sing. She blows Britney out of the water, yes I know.
Anyway, having a much needed space-out moment. Work is going very well, and is very busy. I've been doing 8-4 hours, and let me tell you, at about 3 p.m. my patience is just about all done. Trying to work around crowds of people is so very annoying. Kids screaming over toys they're not getting, rude ass women (men are much more polite than women shoppers) using their shopping carts as a plow, let me tell you.
But I love it :D It's been quite an experience already.
It's been a great year, folks. I'm happier than I've been in years. Sometimes it still seems like a dream.
K
p.s. I have finished reading a whole book since the last entry-murder mystery involving people also crazy about books. How's that cosmic realignment for you? ;)
December 05, 2013
Reading Woes
As those that know me know, I have always been a bibliophile- I love books, I love to smell them, caress them, turn the pages, etc.
I read constantly as a kid; looking back at it, perhaps diving into a story was the way I handled my anxiety. I had a couple of friends who lived down the street from me in Syracuse, and they would walk over to play. I would beg them to come back in 15, 20 minutes, so I could finish the gripping part of the story I was in.
In grammar school, when we would all line up to go to art class, gym class, or the cafeteria, I would read while walking along in line. The teachers loved it, and yes, I did it partly to show off. But I was quite good at it- I never (well, rarely) bumped into the kid ahead of me and always handled the corners like an expert.
My 6th grade teacher-bless her fucking soul- would get us lined up to the tune of Carmen. She would clap her hands to the rhythm, and we would line up, and started clapping along with her. She was always quite amused by the adult titles I would pick, stuff that you'd never see an 11-year old reading. I did trudge through some boring ass shit, just for the attention it would garner. To this day, I still don't understand the big hubbah over Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. I need to re-read it, I definitely read that one too young.And I distinctly remember her tittering over Waiting for Godot. She knew I didn't know what the hell I was reading, but she was tickled pink by my effort.
As an adult, I find it extremely difficult to get into books the way I would as a kid. I had no problem reading for hours, but it's very hard for me to just sit and read. I get a guilty complex- why am I just sitting here, "doing nothing"? Why aren't the dishes done? Why am I not working on my novel?
While I was dancing, I found that reading a book I was super interested in, was a good way to drum up some business on slow days. 'Cuz mother fuckers always wanted to come in and start talking to me when I was in the middle of a great paranormal vampire sex scene (a.k.a. anything written by J.D. Ward). I always had to take a deep, calming breath while putting the book down, I would be so annoyed. Despite needing the money, and oh yeah- being at work.
I hate that I can't get into reading the same way, but I am determined to at least make some headway. I'm breaking down my own barriers about what's "acceptable" to read, and what's not. Woman, read what the hell peaks your interests, even it's "below your standards". Yes, I'm a book snob.
There will be a similar post soon, about the digitizing of libraries and my horror over that. Don't even get me started.
But for now, I have a lesbian jealousy fight to get through in my novel. Oh, there will also be a prostitute and hot makeup sex (not with the prostitute).
K
I read constantly as a kid; looking back at it, perhaps diving into a story was the way I handled my anxiety. I had a couple of friends who lived down the street from me in Syracuse, and they would walk over to play. I would beg them to come back in 15, 20 minutes, so I could finish the gripping part of the story I was in.
In grammar school, when we would all line up to go to art class, gym class, or the cafeteria, I would read while walking along in line. The teachers loved it, and yes, I did it partly to show off. But I was quite good at it- I never (well, rarely) bumped into the kid ahead of me and always handled the corners like an expert.
My 6th grade teacher-bless her fucking soul- would get us lined up to the tune of Carmen. She would clap her hands to the rhythm, and we would line up, and started clapping along with her. She was always quite amused by the adult titles I would pick, stuff that you'd never see an 11-year old reading. I did trudge through some boring ass shit, just for the attention it would garner. To this day, I still don't understand the big hubbah over Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. I need to re-read it, I definitely read that one too young.And I distinctly remember her tittering over Waiting for Godot. She knew I didn't know what the hell I was reading, but she was tickled pink by my effort.
As an adult, I find it extremely difficult to get into books the way I would as a kid. I had no problem reading for hours, but it's very hard for me to just sit and read. I get a guilty complex- why am I just sitting here, "doing nothing"? Why aren't the dishes done? Why am I not working on my novel?
While I was dancing, I found that reading a book I was super interested in, was a good way to drum up some business on slow days. 'Cuz mother fuckers always wanted to come in and start talking to me when I was in the middle of a great paranormal vampire sex scene (a.k.a. anything written by J.D. Ward). I always had to take a deep, calming breath while putting the book down, I would be so annoyed. Despite needing the money, and oh yeah- being at work.
I hate that I can't get into reading the same way, but I am determined to at least make some headway. I'm breaking down my own barriers about what's "acceptable" to read, and what's not. Woman, read what the hell peaks your interests, even it's "below your standards". Yes, I'm a book snob.
There will be a similar post soon, about the digitizing of libraries and my horror over that. Don't even get me started.
But for now, I have a lesbian jealousy fight to get through in my novel. Oh, there will also be a prostitute and hot makeup sex (not with the prostitute).
K
December 02, 2013
Ahhh
Good morning, loves. I am enjoying a nice peaceful, Internet browsing morning. There are a pair of chickadees outside of my window that are squabbling over that bird pussy. Silly, stupid birds. I remember when I was starting puberty and looking through the "Where do Babies Come From?" classic, I wondered if the chickens got any pleasure from copulation. Or the dog- did she enjoyed getting fucked? Yes, this was my nine-year old brain. And yes, I started getting tits when I was nine.
Annnyywayyys, I had a long weekend. But I feel like I'm more seasoned, having experienced Black Friday as a retail drone. I'm grateful that I don't work at the big box stores, however- I'm sure their weekend was much more hectic than mine. But I am tired of being around people, and my self-imposed silence is wonderful. No Christmas music playing at this house, no sir.
I had a great Thanksgiving, as well. The weather cooperated so A & I could venture out to Rochester to visit family. I saw one of the biggest motherfuckin' dogs ever in my life at a dog park there.
NaNoWriMo Results: I only made it to 20,735 words. Far short of the 50,000 word goal, however it is a personal best for me. And I have the rest of the story planned out, and character development is coming along. I am dreading the climax though- I'm going to have to kill off a beloved character, and I'm not looking forward to it. But I do want to be done with this work, and move on to something else. This novel is in a way, exorcising some of my own personal demons, or at least a part of my history that I wish to shed.
K
Annnyywayyys, I had a long weekend. But I feel like I'm more seasoned, having experienced Black Friday as a retail drone. I'm grateful that I don't work at the big box stores, however- I'm sure their weekend was much more hectic than mine. But I am tired of being around people, and my self-imposed silence is wonderful. No Christmas music playing at this house, no sir.
I had a great Thanksgiving, as well. The weather cooperated so A & I could venture out to Rochester to visit family. I saw one of the biggest motherfuckin' dogs ever in my life at a dog park there.
NaNoWriMo Results: I only made it to 20,735 words. Far short of the 50,000 word goal, however it is a personal best for me. And I have the rest of the story planned out, and character development is coming along. I am dreading the climax though- I'm going to have to kill off a beloved character, and I'm not looking forward to it. But I do want to be done with this work, and move on to something else. This novel is in a way, exorcising some of my own personal demons, or at least a part of my history that I wish to shed.
K
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