My father called me on my birthday. I was very surprised to see his caller ID, and it made me immediately happy and nervous. I had to suppress giggling- oh, that nervous tick. I figured he had probably called my sister first, and she had cajoled him into calling me, but she said he didn't call her.
He sounded very upbeat, and we had a nice conversation. But now I'm intensely curious- why now, after so many years of not calling? What is going on in his life to change his pattern? Why did he sound so happy? My father is a creature of habit, it coincides with the alcoholism. I know it's a very morbid thought, but I couldn't help but wonder if he's sick, and is trying to amend things before he passes. I know, I know, but the man has been a lifelong smoker and heavy drinker. Like, since he was about 14.
I've often wondered if my dancing career was what made him stop communicating with me. No father wants his daughter dancing, and as far as I know him, I could see him backing away because of it. My mother blames his behavior completely on the alcoholism, of course, which yes, is about 80% of it. But still, why would he call my sister on her birthday, but never me on mine? Or call her on Christmas but not call me?
Before his phone call, I was considering writing him a letter and letting him know how I felt, how his uneven affections for his children hurt, and let him know I wasn't dancing anymore. It was going to be my last effort to create some kind of relationship with him. Now, I don't know. I think I'll just send him a card, maybe a late Christmas card.
KR
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